5am

It's 5 am in the morning,
I'm not asleep, but should snoring

So many things going around my head, why can I not just switch off??
I can not wait to start my new job in hope it gives me my focus back, gives me what us chefs consider normality. I've not worked in over 2 months, it's the longest I've been unemployed since I left school 21 years ago.
 I need to find my focus, I need to find my happiness, my love, my drive, my purpose. I'm tired of been this self loathing, unhappy sad sack. It hurts yes this maybe a cry for help. I need that kick ass chef to come out and play, the take no prisoners I'm the worlds greatest kinda attitude.
 I've distanced myself from so many people so many things. Is it wrong to what that special someone that special something? I want/ need to repair lost/ damaged friendships and loves. l just hope it's not to little to late. I'm begging for forgiveness and asking for your love and friendships again. 

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry to all those I have wronged. I know I am far from perfect and I have issues but that does not excuse my actions. I crave the one thing I fear the most and that's to love, I have absolutely destroyed some what could have bee amazing relationships because of this fear. Some will think this is a pity attention seeking party for one, you are all welcome to your opinions, but I'm just a boy asking to be loved p. There's a Chinese legend saying we are all created with an invisible red string attached to our pinkey and the other end is attached to the one we are meant to be with, I'm just hoping and praying that I've not pulled mine so tight its snapped.  I'm trying to lay my demons to rest and I beg for all of yours forgiveness for the hurt and pain I've caused, I never meant to hurt anyone I just self distruct and ruin everything. I will do anything to make it up to those I have hurt and caused pain. I am so truly sorry and hope we can reconcile. I miss the fun, the laughter, the love we shared and I mean this to everyone to poly I'm sorry I wasn't a better husband, to S and her family I'm sorry I hurt you, to my friends and family I'm sorry for ot been there as I should, and to the minis I'm sorry for not been there like a father should. Again I beg for your forgiveness and promise to do what it takes to correct my wrongs and be the man, the friend, the father, the love you all deserve

Guess who's Back?

Yes I'm back having been locked out for what seams an eternity I finally got logged back in. Yay me lol. So much has gone on most of which I can not remember.
Let's start with some of the more recent things, Poly is still been Poly. We discussed months ago the minis school holidays when she wanted them and when I could have them ( yes you read that right) she has taken them out the country again to see her father, ok I let that one slide, but to be told a couple of days before he goes that I can not have the children for the pre arranged time knowing I had booked to take them away, and the reason ( this is the best bit ) little miss R might miss a swimming lesson. Blood boiling, brain itching ready for battle. Anyway they go away I call her to make sure the kids arrived safely and no hiccups like missing the ferry as per last time? NO ANSWER !!!! I get a post card a couple of days into their holiday, I text " ty for the card how r the kids." Again NO ANSWER!!! They are meant to be returning on Friday and coming to me next Wednesday I hope and pray they make it or this will be one unhappy bunny here.

On a happy note I have a new job, yes I'm still the worlds greatest very  delusional chef but I'm at a new venue, or a previous venue to which I'm returning. I'm back at the country pub that I was at when I first moved back home, it has new managers and I have full control over the menu ( are theses people crazy? )
In the two weeks I've been there it's got busier I introduce seafood night on a Friday, I wanted to call it fishy Friday but the manager had other ideas. I will up load pics when I transfer them from phone to iPad.
Another one of my ideas is to get a pet crocodile and baby shark. I have a plan ......... Most country pubs have the faithful dog our unique selling point is we have a pet croc and shark and here's the kicker nobody will ever complain in fear of been fed to the croc or shark. Now is that a plan or what?

Oh and then there is the crash

The boss and I were going to pick beer up from another pub quite late at night. We were going round a roundabout when smack a green Astra slammed in to my side of the car pushing us against the pillar a of a sign trapping us inside. What seamed like an eternity the emergency services arrived. They removed the guy from the other car we later found out he had fallen asleep. Moved the other car  and then freed us. Several hours later we were been discharged from a&e with minor cuts and bruises. To see the star of the car we were in we are sooooooo lucky to had walked away with no injuries. As scary as it was we are safe we walked away so I'm chalking it up as a win. Cars can be replaced we won this time. Please take care and drive safe.

I have had many happy and emotional days over the last how ever long it's been since my last blog, but I have truly amazing friends and a bonus mama D. One friend is truly a special friend, well I believe we are more than friends she must be heaven sent, she has to be to put up with all my crap, but as everything in my life it's never as easy as it seams. We are closer than close and we have come together for a reason, she is truly unique, she has made me start to believe again. Watch this space

It's Gonna Be A Long Day

Why I do it to myself I'll never understand.  I was deleting old messages off my phone to free up some space. I saw S name and for some stupid reason I read the last few messages she sent me. I know not the brightest thing I've ever done right? Then I proceeded to sit and cry for the next hour or so. I do still miss her greatly and I always will S was a huge part of my life and most of the time I'm ok but then I go do something stupid like this and my head explodes and I just become down, analytical and very critical of myself.
 I must have hit my self destruct button cause then later I managed to annoy a very close and special friend by saying something stupid, I just hope she can forgive me again. She knows I won't let our friendship go and she knows how special she is to me and that I'm truly sorry. Let's hope tomorrow is a new day.......................

Day with the minis and friends

During spring break a friend and I decided to take the kids to Rand Farm a petting farm and play area not too far away. Between us there were 6 kids and 2 adult kids, what on earth could go wrong??? We arrived alittle before lunch and chose to do the farmy bit first

And what visit to the farm would it be without a ride on daisy the mechanical cow? And playing in the sand?

It's Done

I've not blogged for awhile so I have some catching up to do.

During my time away my marriage got absolved, meaning it's now like it never was never happened. When I was first told I was quite happy but after awhile I thought about it and I sat and cried alittle,  I gave poly 13 yrs of my life and for what? Some judge to say it never existed. Don't get me wrong I'm happy it's over and that I'm free to live and love and I wouldn't change that for the world, but that one moment I thought what's the point of all those lost years? I know I have 3 beautiful children and I love them all beyond words.  I guess I just need a slap and to be told to stop been stupid. 

Just keep peddling

As it was little miss mini birthday last week we decided to have some daughter / dad time. Rosie was asked what she wanted to do, her reply was the movies. So as per usual she got to pick the movie etc, she opted for "Home" not my first choice but hey, off we go. It was an ok kinda movie but I feel it didn't quiet capture Rosie's imagination, but she says she enjoyed it. So fair enough.
I needed to pick up a couple of things from the store while we were out.
Now I had been thinking about a new bike for her for some time and the store is next to the toy store so I thought we may as look while we are here. We looked at many many many bikes and tried out several others. We eventually chose one we liked and then Rosie piped up she has stabilisers on her bike at Poly's and she wanted some with and I quote " mum says I need them". I was taken back by this slightly and me been the cruel father I am point blank refused to buy any, my theory been she should be able to ride her bike without them at 7, I think Rosie was taken back by this but I stood firm. We got this bike home and after a extremely frustrating 45 mins it was together and it went and stopped. Rosie was looking quite nervous at this point but I reassured her it was all going to be fine. We started off slowly with me helping hold her balance. Within a matter of 10-15 mins she had the hang of it. Yes we had a few near misses with various objects and a couple of spills but we survived, but now we are able to go, stop and crash all by ourselves with no training wheels yay we are still a little wobbly but she is getting the hang off it, so yay way to go Rosie I knew you didn't need those training wheels.