Emotions

Mine have been all over the place today. I'm not having a pity party, this is just me been open. I don't know if it's loneliness, grieving, self doubt or lack of sleep or all the above and then some. I'm even crying while I'm typing. I've just wanted to sit and cry most of the day. I miss S more than I thought possible, I have a HUGE hole in my chest in my soul and it's the shape of S. She is one of the reasons this blog is called " Rocked my little world" because that's what she did.
Today it started feeling all alone, yes I'm surrounded by various people all day most days but still I feel so alone in this world now. S was / is the love of my life I don't expect I'll ever get that feeling ever again, which makes me think will I ever love again? Then the memories start to flood back to me, the times we spent together, the way she made me feel. I felt loved, cared for, damn it I felt whole. Something I never truly felt in my previous marriage. Then my still heart brakes all over again. Some people will yell at me for this but....... I start to think did I make her as happy as I could have, could I have done something more for her, did she feel as loved as I did?
I would have moved mountains for her, stolen the sun from the sky for her, walked through hell and back with a smile for her, I would have walked the million miles just to see her smile to tell her "I love you". S was my one my once in a lifetime lightening bolt of true love. I loved more than the amount of sand grains there are in this world. W. H. Auden  expressed how I feel in his "Stop the clocks " poem


Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. 

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. 

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.



I love you S,  My Beautiful Angel xxxxx